“Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu
As folks climb the ladder of leadership they generally become more pressed for time, more stressed about results, and more inclined to speak in short, decisive directives in order to accomplish things as quickly as possible.
We’ve all known people who become jerks after a promotion—they become less cooperative and more demanding, seemingly superior. (There is research that shows climbing the ladder of power pushes empathy to the basement. An HBR article highlights Berkley Psychology professor Dacher Keltner’s research into neural responses and hormonal changes in proportion to positional power.)
They’ll finish your sentences for you and tell you what you should do. By “cutting to the chase” these people think they’re saving time, thereby improving their results.
Maybe short-term, because each “command” carries a cost long-term. Trust leaks out like a bucket with a hole in the bottom of it.
Rather than always tell, instead sometimes lead with a suggestion—and thereby empower.
One of the most counter productive things leaders do is to dictate in an attempt to demonstrate decisiveness. They declare. And they sound demanding, “bossy.” And they don’t even know a) that they’re doing it or b) that there is cost.
I often hear from coaching clients that their job demands it. They think they’re demonstrating confidence and decisiveness.
No. Your job may be more demanding, but it doesn’t demand that you be more demanding.
Too many people in positions of leadership across all industries still confuse fear with respect. They mistake disagreement with disrespect and silence with submission. Sigh.
When someone comes to you with a problem, they want assistance, not rescue. (That includes your wife, too.)
Here are a couple of ways you can get the results you want without the long term costs that commands incur.
When giving someone advice, correction, or input, instead of saying “You should…,” insert the following phrases:
- “If I were in your shoes, I’d…” and then add your suggestion.
- “Perhaps you could (or you might) consider (insert your suggestion)…”
- “May I suggest…”
You’ll get better results than if you tell them what they “should” do.
You don’t need to be demanding to show you’re decisive.
