This post is much longer than usual—2500 words. It is not a quick read, but hopefully an illuminating one. My intent is to help you to think, and consider and reflect.
I write today in the hope of promoting a new kind of conversation, the kind I believe is critically necessary in light of the events in the world last week.
Because the world changed last week. Radically and irrevocably.
The US Presidential circus of an election released visible evidence of the animals some people had thought safely caged.
Visible evidence of their carnage continues to manifest: public hate crimes, demonstrations, riots, swastikas, black shirts, pantsuits, safety pins.
Fear has been released, free to wander the streets, preying on those who are different, disillusioned, disenfranchised. The weak and vulnerable: racism, sexism, religious freedoms, issues of equality and tolerance and fairness, reproductive rights, the environment and others now feed in public.
The irony is that the animals have always existed, and fed in the shadows and back alleys for generations, for those willing to lift the flaps and take a look at the show under the big tent.
Our challenge: Not to get the animals back in their cages, but rather, to learn to walk with them…to live with them as friends.
Through understanding.
Which is damn near impossible without letting go of being right about what should or shouldn’t be our current reality.
Donald Trump has been elected the President of these United Sates.
We all thought that was the choice in front of us—him, or her. We thought that was the big show. It wasn’t; it was a side tent in the carnival.
We still have a choice in front of us. The inside one: the stories we tell, the conversations we engage in, and how, and why, and when, and where.
What follows is a window into the kind of conversation I’d like to see and hear more often, the kind that can begin the healing process critical to our future.
Some context for understanding the two emails that follow:
- These are real people, and the words are theirs. I chose not to edit any out. They both live in Atlanta, Georgia.
- J is a woman I’ve known for twenty years. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, woman of faith who voted Republican this election, as a vote against Hillary.
- S is a man I only met today, by phone. He is an intelligent IT consultant who voted Democratic this election, as a vote against Trump.
- S and J frequently disagree politically, but work together on community service, and frequently agree on matters of personal accountability and day to day life.
- They had been in a text discussion on Thursday Nov 10, which S broke off suddenly, causing J to reflect on her words and the tone of the conversation.
- J and I spoke on Friday, Nov 11th and she mentioned the conversation. As a result, she sent me her initial e-mail and his response. I responded with:“WOW. And wow again. THAT’S what discourse sounds like. THAT’s trying to build bridges. Personally, since he mentions it, I think your apology and his response both should be published and read by as many as possible. In fact, I offer my platform (Monday Morning message) if he and you agree to it. I was thinking, “man, THIS should be posted” and then he mentions he might. Maybe tell him a Hillary supporter wants the world to read it.”
- Both have given permission for me to publish this.
We hope it demonstrates what it looks like to try to begin the healing. To bridge the divide between neighbours and friends and co-workers and families through courageous conversations. The kind that are really hard to have. Because you risk being wrong about something—or at least, that’s the way it feels. So we argue and defend and accuse instead.
These are J’s final words sent by email to both S and myself, today, Sunday Nov 13th after a series of exchanges between us all:
“Thank you both for the lessons of the past few days.”
Listening: that’s how the seeds of understanding are sown.
I want to do my part in spreading them.
_____________________
Friday, Nov 11
S,
I spoke without understanding last night. I didn’t make the connection that you make between the hatred, the future, and the political loss. My comment was made with no sensitivity to that. I owe you an apology.
In figuring out how I managed to inflame things (and it took a bit), it occurred to me how little I understand yours and others fears, largely because I don’t share them. That does not make it OK to be insensitive…or make them any less real. It does mean I want to understand.
That does NOT mean I don’t understand the evil of racism and bigotry; I would pledge to fight either…on either side. To the death. That’s a sword I’ve landed on many times. We come at this from different places, but that, I suspect, is common ground.
If know anything about bringing people together, it’s that we can’t solve what we’re not talking about, and we can’t bridge a gap we don’t understand.
You made me stop and think last night about what I don’t know. Thank you.
I’m sure the prayer I sent felt like a platitude from the religious right and it wasn’t meant to be [that] at all. It was sincere and took some courage on my part to share. I hope that’s OK. I wish I had more to give you and your family to take away the hurt and stop the pain.
Let’s hope that Americans will begin to understand each other and start talking, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be. It is only through understanding each other that we can save that future.
…maybe this is a very small start. Please forgive me and tell me how I can help.
J
_____________________
Nov. 11
J,
You asked to understand what I, and I believe many Americans, are going through this week. [i.e. Grief and Fear] You may not like my response, but I will provide you the dignity of one anyway.
First, you say you want to better understand me.
Maybe you should start by understanding my voting record. In 2000, I voted for John McCain in the primary. I voted for Al Gore in the General, voting against Bush twice because I didn’t think he was overly intelligent or prepared for the job. I stand by that assessment. In 2004, I don’t think I voted. A good candidate had a limited chance of winning; Kerry was a waste of time away from work. In 2008, I voted for Hillary in the primary because Biden had already dropped out (I thought he understood Iraq better than anyone in the world).
Further, I saw Obama as voting for Bush again, obviously not on policy but because again, we were opting for the guy we most wanted to get a beer with against people who had demonstrated qualifications for the job. I did vote for Obama against McCain because the latter became just another pathetic politician (no longer a maverick who put people above politics) when he selected Palin. I held my nose and bought into hope and change, and I still wish we got Biden (or Hillary). This year, I would have happily voted for Kasich, but the decision this week was obvious.
I tell you all this to demonstrate a) I am not some crazy left wing nut. Bernie scared me almost as much as Trump (in retrospect that was a dramatic over assessment), and b) I am terrible at picking presidents – hell, I can’t even pick candidates! I happen to think I am pretty good at picking who should have been president, but that’s besides the point.
More importantly, I have never in my life felt about my country what I do this week. For all the times I have been disappointed on election night, I have always taken pride in our country, what we stand for, and that we will be better tomorrow. But not today. Ironically, as I failed to sleep Tuesday night, one of my key thoughts was that America probably ceased to be great that night, and may never be great again. I felt more confident about our strength, our future, and even our safety on 9/11 than I do now.
Second, I should address why I abruptly left the text conversation you attempted to start last night. I did so for two reasons. First, I didn’t ask for you to try to empathize with my position. I am sure you are coming from a good and sincere place, but frankly, it all just sounds like gloating, apathy and defense of something that disgusts me to my core. You don’t get to decide when to push that conversation. When I engaged, and simply explained my fears with a story of someone close to me being the victim of a hate crime Wednesday, your response was that while that is horrible, so is flag burning. So just to be clear about a few things: might not be the best strategy in that situation to equate hate crimes to demonstrations of constitutional rights (to the extent those are still relevant) that you find personally objectionable. You may not think that’s what you did or intended, but it is exactly that. Second, hate crimes cause people to burn flags. Flag burning should not excuse hate crimes. Period. That is all.
Finally, you want to understand why people are afraid. I will encourage you to consider the following:
– I have 2 cousins that are going around Facebook talking about how great Trump is because now anyone can say whatever they want. Let’s be clear that this is just a dog whistle for said cousins feeling more comfortable with their father running around complaining about “niggers.” For years, I have told myself I don’t get to choose my family, he’s a good man with deep flaws, yada yada, bullshit. I realized this week why have I spent so much time coming up with reasons to respect a man who clearly has no respect for me or he would simply moderate his language in my presence, as I have requested many times, rather than seemingly looking for opportunities to increase his observations of the “worthless nigger” population that [he thinks] explains his lack of success in life. And here we are, the lesson of Trump 2016 is I have been the one wrong to be offended. Too bad your president elect thinks my uncle is just a “greedy kike.” Maybe he can get a job counting your president elect’s money. Yay, this lack of political correctness sounds awesome!
– so many stories within 24 hours of blacks being told to go to the back of the bus, future KKK members chanting ‘build the wall’ in the school cafeteria while the Latino kids cry, white nationalist children writing hate speech to intimidate those that no longer belong here, or marching down the high school hallways chanting “white power.”
This is who we are now. You may not agree. You may not be scared. You may not feel responsible, or otherwise care. Frankly, I will likely make it through OK in a world I may prefer not to. My biggest risk in this brave new world may be the fear that empathy for anything other than disenfranchised white people could become punishable by anyone who objects to it. And you may not understand, fear or care that I just described Fascism, but the people walking around mortified and depressed this week, we fully understand, we fear and we are deeply affected.
In closing, I want to be clear that I don’t believe you are deplorable. I know many supporters of your president elect who I call friend, very few of whom I consider deplorable (you’ve now heard about some of the outliers). I think Hillary was clearly a flawed candidate, and she clearly chose some terrible words, but I think people missed the point. It doesn’t matter if half or 40% or 5% of his supporters are deplorable. If it’s only 2% and 100% of those voted for him (which is obviously false since many appear to be minors), there are a million deplorable people out there who truly believe the other 98% of you didn’t vote against a poor candidate, but rather voted – directly, or simply through your apathy – to institutionalize their deplorability.
How you deal with that fact may be the difference between healing and civil war. Do you care? Are you so happy that you won that you are blinded by what is happening around you? Will you speak up? Will you say, “No! I voted against someone I perceived a criminal, not for hate!” The world is awaiting your response. And yes, how you choose to respond (or not) may make you deplorable.
A question for you. If I were to put this letter online (which would be my first post since Tuesday), and it somehow went viral and got back to our president elect, do you think he would be more likely to be appalled, and wonder how he was going to correct this terrible sentiment about him (he said he represents all of us), or would he just have Rudy prosecute me alongside his other political enemies? Why can’t he come out and lead, and say how deeply hurt he is that people have misconstrued his definition of ‘poltically correct’ for excusing bigotry? He doesn’t even have to admit fault, but it would seem he would want to at least clarify, at least if he does seek to represent us all? Why are the demonstrations against him “unfair,” but no position has been taken about hate crimes? Is it because the term hate crime no longer exists?
Maybe this helps you understand. I struggled just to type some of this email’s content, but again, this is where we are now.
S
________________________
That is how the conversation began. Notice that it occurred because one side took a chance, with an apology and offer of extended hand. Notice that it took time and reflection on both sides.
But that is not where the conversation ended. There were more e-mails, more bridges begun.
We can no longer afford—as a GLOBAL HUMAN FAMILY—to engage in interrogations disguised as conversations. That’s not talking—that’s yelling, and you can’t hear when yelling.
It is incumbent on each of us, no matter how we voted, or how we feel, to now look within and take time to reflect, own, apologize for and move on from behaviours and attitudes this campaign compounded.
We must stop talking with one mouth and start listening with two ears.
Because this is how the healing begins: through courageous, compassionate conversations.
God bless the United States and its new President elect.
May Mr. Trump live up to the standard set by two of his citizens who are trying to find common ground—trying without having to—because they both love their country and realize how important it is to do so. Right now.
We need leaders—at all levels—who will do the same.
I hope Mr. Trump is as brave as they are.
Because I have decided I’m willing to be wrong about the way it should have been, to make space for what might still be.
Will you join me?
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” ~Bryant H. McGill
