“How well we communicate is determined not by how well we say things but how well we are understood.” ~Andrew Grove
When in conversation, we are under the mistaken impression that presenting our case, cogently, will somehow persuade the other to our point of view.
The other also believes his/her point of view, presented logically, will communicate their perspective to the other.
And we call this communication.
It is not.
For real communication to occur the other must leave the conversation feeling heard.
Here’s the way it’s supposed to work:
- You have a body of information in your head that you attempt to transfer to another person
- You use words and your body to communicate that info
- The other person hears and comprehends your original message
Here’s the way it usually works:
- You have a body of information in your head that you attempt to transfer to another person
- You use words and your body to communicate that info
- The other person hears and comprehends a portion of your original message, and sometimes not even a portion
Entering into any discussion—especially one fraught with emotional landmines—with the expectation of getting agreement, is dependent upon our willingness to not only listen to the other person, but to hear them.
The famous quote by Robert McCloskey encapsulates this: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
To improve being heard—and understood—add one additional step:
- Ask the other: “So, tell me what you heard me say.”
Hearing back from the other what they think you said will also help you communicate more clearly in the future.
Assuming they understood you can be a costly mistake. Because 80% of the time, the other(s) did not hear your essential message, but rather got caught in their interpretation of the words you used.
You’ll be amazed how quickly and effortlessly you are able to cut confusion off at the pass with one simple question, saving you time and energy, two of your most valuable resources.
“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.”~Jeff Daly
